What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
