Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
