i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
