I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
