are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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