Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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