Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
