I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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