oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
