Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
