I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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