I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
