I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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