i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
