Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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