I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
