It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We're too hungover to prance.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
