he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
