the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
