i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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