I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
