you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
