when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
