just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
