No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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