I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
