I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
