Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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