I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
