if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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