Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
