Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
