The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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