Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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