she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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