So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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