Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
