There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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