My room smells like vodka and shame
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Someone came in the potted fern
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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