i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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