Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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