She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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