Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
