We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
