He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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