i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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