All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
