hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
thus making me awesome and them whores
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Damn victory sex feels great
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
