i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
