How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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