I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
