I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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