Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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