Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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